Alfred the cat has lost his job sitting in the window on the second floor of 741 Evergreen Terrace. He had been there over eight years.
Alfred first gained this post when he was a mere kitten born from a calico mother and a tabby father. Of course things never were easy. Being in a litter of seven, Alfred had to scheme hard to ensure his post of window cat was secured.
 |
| Alfred during happier times. |
Always early to rise and late to leave the post, Alfred was paid in Friskars twice a day with snacks and water and toilet breaks whenever needed. Alfred is owned by Bill and Molly Huggins and their daughters Helga and Helen.
“It was a very difficult choice for us as household owners,” said Bill Huggins, home owner and Alfred’s employer. “We didn’t want to have it come to this, but we all needed to cut back and tighten our belts for this economy. Sacrifices had to be made.”
“Sacrifices? Hardly the term I would have used. We needed to downsize, and that’s the truth,” said Molly Huggins, wife of Bill.
“That cat had been slacking off on his duties of doing nothing. We don’t have a place in our home for that kind of non-sense. Plus, do you know how much Friskars costs? It’s expensive and the coupons aren’t printed each week like Pillsbury shit,” Molly continued.
--
 |
| *Figures probably not accurate at all and do not match with story at all. |
This type of removal from window sills is not uncommon these days. Many cats in many homes have had to face this reality. This year alone, over 14,000 cats have been relieved of their duties to sit in windows. Over the course of the recession dating back to 2007 (when we first started recording cat-window turnover) nearly 130,000 cats have been fired. The numbers are staggering, but they hardly indicate a slowing trend.
Even with stimulus plans like the “No Cat Left Behind” act signed by other homeowners and approved by PETA, cats are still facing a tough time finding work sitting in window sills.
A growing number of non-partisan groups have been advocating this removal of cats for years. Many feel that the cats add no value to a household if they just sit and stare out windows.
“Unless those cats are from a Patricia C. Wrede book or are Professor McGonagall in disguise, there’s not fucking need for them at all,” says Lucy Farrington, head of www.catsanddgosareuselssinrecessions.org.
“They’re consumers and sometimes provide no companionship at all. But if you’re 99 years old and love knitting ridiculous things for your grandchildren and just collect cats off the street, that’s fine, but really, no need for cats,” says Judy Maguire, anti-cat activist.
--
One group who isn’t worried: dogs. Dogs have long been considered man’s best friend because of their loyal nature and ability to be domesticated and trained. And while cats have been losing jobs, dogs have been able to sustain their trends as household staples.
 |
| The 1% of dogs was to just make the cats feel better. No dogs have been dismissed. |
“Dogs are just less bitchy,” says Dave Colbert of Wausau, WI. “They actually give a fuck when you come home and don’t just care about getting food so that they can leave and be with their friends. Personally, I’m glad these asshole cats are losing their jobs sitting in windows.”
“Cats are like your pre-teen daughter, they want to be seen without you and just want cash to go to the mall, but dogs…,” said Matt Bryson, “they will stay with you through thick and thin. So of course, if I had to cut some jobs around the house, cats would be the first to go.”
--
Alfred isn’t sure where he’s headed next. But as the cats continue losing more and more of their meaningless jobs, there have been reports that cat gangs are forming and beginning to overtake households who have scorned them.
We asked Alfred if he would join any of these gangs. Obviously he didn’t respond, because, well, he’s a cat.
