Kindergarten Teacher Goes on Power Trip. Fires Entire Class.

Tampa, FL -- Brenda Harrison has fired all of her kindergarten students after one of them interrupted her during a question and answer session about Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

"What a classless move by Timmy Thompson," said Harrison. "I've been teaching here for 22 years and no one has disrespected me that much. Sure I asked a question to the class, but I didn't want anyone replying until I was done. Why else do you think I became a kindergarten teacher? I need to feel the power trip! I don't care that he's six years old! Fired! They're all fired!"

School principal David Segel had this to say in a statement: "We have a zero-tolerance policy against kindergarten students speaking out of turn. We're trying to raise competent adults the way we see fit. Parents can only do so much. We're the workhorse here."

Timmy could not be reached for comment. It was his nap time.

Fast Cap - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Fast Cap is a re-cap of many movies that I've seen that I have't written about in a year.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Two words for you: dual wield. This movie rocks. These apes get together, learn how to play instruments and put on a rock show in San Francisco. The only thing missing from their concert was the Pink Floyd Pig! But, I jest. The movie is quite good, though. Basically, James Franco's love saves the human race from extinction. I am not even joking. So, we need to get the address of the official James Franco fan club and write to him with our deepest thanks! Stop reading and get on it!

What makes this movie work:
James Franco's love. Amazing writing! Complex ape characters. An entire scene of non-verbal speech that is intricate and amazing to watch. Tension and VENGEANCE!!!!

What makes this movie weak:
Not so complex human characters. Weak and cliche human motivations. A 50 story drop that doesn't splatter a character.

When to watch:
Should have watched it in theaters!

Google image search for "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes Drawing"

Fast Cap - Trans4mers: Age of Extiction

Fast Cap is a re-cap of many movies that I've seen that I have't written about in a year.

Trans4mers - Age of Extinction

A million dollars isn't cool. Do you know what is? A billion dollars! Michael Bay manages to pull off a billion dollar movie in Trans4mers Age of Ultra Mega Large Robots and he accomplishes this by giving you a Michael Bay formulaic movie you'd come to expect that includes the following: robots in disguise, teenagers in short shorts, explosions and more robots...less in disguise. Also, he throws in Hong Kong to help fuel some dollars. I'm half a believer in the thought that Mikey Bay shot in Hong Kong for its tax breaks and other cost reasons, but he's a smart guy, and he knows that there are over one billion people China and 7+ million people in Hong Kong that would love to see their backyard on a film. 

But if you've seen one, then you've seen them all, even if this is the better/best one of the series with its focus on the bots and a likable human character played by Mark Wahlberg. Aside from that, I kind of found some characters tiresome, and some I just wanted to see more of in their menacing voice and demeanor. I'm talking to you, Kelsey Grammer. (He really is great in it though, up until he does something stupid at the tail of the movie). 

Also, we gots ta chill on da stereotypes, dude. Asian transformer is a...samurai...weapon of choice is a katana...voiced by Ken Watanabe (who is a cool dude and he even helped Leonardo DiCaprio back into the US to see his family again...or did he?!?). Other stereotype: asian female who works in the Hong Kong branch of the US Corporation headed by Stanley Tucci knows martial arts and kicks people's asses. Asian dude who does NOTHING, repeat NOTHING, during a fight sequence between the secretary and a couple of baddies all of a sudden beats down on a baddie during a final moment because he knows martial arts, as well. Not all Asian people know martial arts, homie. 

What makes this movie work: 

Pretty cool action set pieces. Optimus Prime being Optimus Prime. John Goodman's voice. A neat villain. Mark Wahlberg.

What makes this movie weak:

The neat villain makes some stupid decisions. It's a Michael Bay Transformers movie. It's kind of lengthy. Not enough dino-bots.

When to watch:

TV

Random Google image search for "transformers funny drawing".

Fast Cap - Jersey Boys

Fast Cap is a re-cap of many movies that I've seen that I have't written about in a year.

Jersey Boys

What's the best way to tell a story about growing up from the tender age of 16 all the way to being 50? It's simply to use the same actor and then throw some grey streaks in his hair and add some J.Edgar type putty make-up to add to the aging effect. Sure, the singing is great, but there's no silver screen pop that allows viewers to fully feel the intense highs and the low lows of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons' rise to fame and their troubles off the stage. A few "Hey Ya" type moments would have made theater audiences dance a bit in their seats, but the stuff is all flat. How sad. Womp womp. I'd rather watch That Thing You Do instead, and that's based off of a fake band, but directed by National Treasure Tom Hanks.

What makes this movie work: 
The music is fun and the leads have done the stage production, as well. The last number and dance sequence are exactly what I was hoping for. Where the hell was that throughout the movie?

What makes this movie weak:
Italian family cliches. Not all Italian families eat spaghetti every night, dude. Also, Christopher Walken is basically wasted in this movie. "I want to start my own band," says a character...about 50 million times. You better get used to it.

When to watch:
TV

Random Google image search for "jersey boys drawing"

Fast Cap - The Signal

Fast Cap is a re-cap of many movies that I've seen that I have't written about in a year.

The Signal

There were some days that people called you "too smart" for your own good. Somedays, those folks were right. What's cool about this movie is that the characters are smart MIT students, therefore they don't make too many ridiculous decisions. They think about the situation and then decide that they do want to pursue a hacker named NOMAD to the ends of the earth for attempting to smudge their academic integrity. If you wrote your giant thesis and submitted it, you'd be pretty upset, too, if they called you a plagiarizer like Fareed Zakaria, wouldn't you? Sure, one mishap leads to the crux of the movie's plot, but the movie has to progress somehow. What happens in the second and third acts are pretty neat, and this movie made with a $4 million dollar budget is pretty solid for its (fairly) new director, and two writers.

What makes this movie work: 
The story is cleverly written and the action sequences are amazing. Looks bigger than its budget for sure. The characters aren't dumb and the movie never forgets that. The acting from the cast is pretty top notch...I mean everyone. Yes, Gary Oldman-style everyone! This movie basically made me back Brenton Thwaites in anything he does from here on out. Also, the Phantom High Speed camera work and shots are incredible.

What makes this movie weak:
A few false steps by the trio lead to their eventual struggle in the film, and that was minimally upsetting. If cut differently, the ending could have been a very interesting close!

When to watch:
Redbox / DVD / Blu-ray

Actual still image released by the distribution company.

Fast Cap - How to Train Your Dragon 2

Fast Cap is a re-cap of many movies that I've seen that I have't written about in a year.

How to Train Your Dragon 2

Somedays even wearing your lucky rocketship underpants doesn't help. Hiccup is older now and as they say, "with great power comes great responsibility". No more dragon races with his buddies, no more staying out late chatting with his girlfriend, and no more joking around with his dragon Toothless. Oh, wait! There's plenty of that! But, there are serious consequences, as well. If you liked How to Train Your Dragon, then you're probably going to like this movie, too.

What makes this movie work: 
The animation is amazing! I'm always looking out for how studios animate water, and this movie is phenomenal! The emotional heights of this movie, and its previous film, make these a couple of my favorite animated movies. Also, ALPHA DRAGONS!!! I don't want to link anything, because you should see it yourself in the movie...with amazing sound...and a larger screen.

What makes this movie weak:
Box office crowdedness. This movie premiered within the same time frame of Edge of Tomorrow, The Fault in Our Stars, 22 Jump Street, Transformers 4: Age of Extinction. How to Train Your Dragon 2 should have made way more than it did.

When to watch:
Probably right now!

Random Google image search for "how to train your dragon 2 funny drawing"

Fast Cap - Edge of Tomorrow

Fast Cap is a re-cap of many movies that I've seen that I have't written about in a year.

Edge of Tomorrow

Holy sch-nikes. THIS! This is what a summer movie should be. Trailers were "meh," but the actual product...HOLY CRAP, DUDE! Pew! Pew! Pew! (Alien roars)! Tom Cruise sprinting. Emily Blunt looking super hot doing her push-ups, and then being a complete badass when fighting. Then, they add in elements of exhaustion into the characters, and Tom Cruise's 50 (50!!) year-old acting face emotes so well. Again, that guy is over 50 years old. If you have a time machine, please go back to when this movie opened and give it a crap ton of more money, because it deserved such a better showing that what it got. 

What makes this movie work: 

The story is pretty solid. The action sequences were practical effects. The depths of sadness that this movie manages to tread into are subtle, but effective.

What makes this movie weak:

A bit of the way the third act concludes, but who cares? If you find one hair in your dish at Panda Express, you're not going to say the entire meal was ruined.

When to watch:

IMMEDIATELY. Now. Just stop reading and go.

Random Google image search for "Edge of Tomorrow drawing"