Preppy College Students Annoy Local Man, Get What They Asked For

Oakland, CA – A group of local college students attempted to recreate a special moment in the hit television series Glee, but was stopped short when a physical altercation ensued.

Matt Evans and Mary Summers (circled) looking preppy.

A blustery Monday morning was the perfect setting for a group of friends and dance groups to meet at Lake Merritt to film their song “Singing in the Rain” based off of the hit television series “Glee.”

“We all woke up from a slumber party, put on our knee-high, striped socks, make-up, brought out our umbrellas and headed to Lake Merritt. It started out so hopeful,” says Mary Summers.

After some intense warm ups including singing various top adult-contemporary hits, the group decided to get into the dance routine. Things were going well until the 25th take when local resident known around the area as “Big Ed” came to the group and asked them to “knock that shit off.”

“We’re college kids who love Glee. We just wanted to be cool so we might end up on Youtube or something,” says Matt Evans.

Sadly, this was not a match made in a comfortable, climate controlled television studio.

"Big Ed" is an amateur boxer.

“Look, those kids were pissing me off and I couldn’t take it anymore,” says Big Ed. “They were all jumping and singing these stupid songs, in the damn rain no less, that are way too obscure for anyone in their twenties to even know. Plus even the Tai Chi group was getting fed up with these jerks. So, naturally, someone had to step up.”

After an exchange of four letter words and words from recent lectures in students’ political science and sociology courses, Big Ed’s patience gave out. What happened next is described as a blur.

“His hands were so fast and we were slow in our pathetic ways. And poor Matt,” Mary recalls.

Evans got a textbook right hook from Big Ed and went down for the count.

“Sweet Mother of Matthew Morrison, I felt that hit and I fell down. The next thing I know, I hear Maroon 5’s ‘Misery’ in my head, especially the line ‘there ain’t nobody who can comfort me’ and I went limp,” says Evans, who has since recovered, but will never sing Glee songs again due to the traumatic memories.

The altercation was broken up by police. No charges were filed, and the police even were empathetic toward Big Ed’s intentions.

“This is Oakland. We love Keak,” said Officer Dean Combs.

US Army Specialist Receives Highest Marksmanship Distinction, Credits "Angry Birds"

“Ain’t no thang to it. I get three stars on each level and I could probably do it in my sleep. Shit, I even have 'Angry Birds: RIO' on lock down. See those guys running the hill over there? Give me one of those fragment grenades and it’s like using that little blue bird.” – Specialist Jacob Ellsworth.

“He is the most goddamn outstanding recruit with a rocket launcher and mortar I have ever seen. His accuracy, as well as precision, is off the charts. If he wasn’t so goddamn stupid, he might actually make it to a position other than coffee maker.” – Staff Sergeant Donald Miller.

Fed Up Professor Starts Site to Rate Characteristics of Students

San Jose, CA – Professor Martin Gale, professor of mathematics at San Jose State, who grew tired and fed up with the poor ratings he has on RateMyProfessors.com has set up a site of his own rating students in his classes.

In an effort to give the students a taste of their own medicine for giving him ratings of 1.2 for helpfulness, 1.0 for clarity, and 0.9 for easiness, and no “hot” for his appearances, Professor Gale has developed his own website to get back at his own graduate and undergraduate students.

His website is called RateTheseIdiotKids.com and is a fully functioning website that emulates the categories and ratings of RateMyProfessors, but has a slightly altered category listing.

Professor Gale being nerdy.

“Well, we can’t use the same ratings because these fucking kids don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about in regards to ‘helpfulness’ or ‘clarity,’” says Professor Gale who sits hunched over his crowded desk in a sub-basement office in the math department.

Instead of the ratings from the RateMyProfessor’s website, Professor Gale’s site uses categories titled “chances of fucking up,” “chances of sleeping in class,” and “chances of being a suck-up.”

“These ratings are subjective, but then again, so are the ratings at the other site,” claims Prof. Gale. “I don’t write the rules; I just read them and apply them.”

So far his site has garnered praise from his fellow faculty, and as word spreads, he has received congratulatory remarks from professors at other universities such as UC Berkeley, California State University – East Bay, the University of Utah, and even Oxford University. Surprisingly, Stanford University did not elect to comment on this news article, despite their reputation for advances in internet and social networking technologies. We speculate that the students never give professors low ratings due to the uncanny correlation of being douche bags and not knowing which hand is their right compared to their left.

“All I’m hoping for is a chance to show these asshole kids what type of assholes they are, so that one day, we can never see them in charge of our pension funds.”

Stock Expert Increases Hand Gestures, Earns More Money

 New York – A Dow Jones Industrial stock expert claims repeatedly shaking one’s own hands while doing interviews gives credibility.

Michael Wiseman is a stocks and futures expert who runs his own financial services firm Black Tree, LLC. In doing interviews he claims that by using hand gestures knowingly, you can create a better sense of authority, or (false) intellectual pride.

“I first discovered this while back in undergrad at Boston University,” said Mr. Wiseman, who sits in his first-floor office sipping a drink out of a white paper cup. His office is neatly put together, with a large three-panel view of the street below which directly faces a Dunkin’ Donuts.

“The thing is that my professors thought I was stupid, and I really am, but through making hand gestures and making my fingers cringe from time-to-time, I was able to pull off that I was gifted and talented. I partied hard every night, slept with all of the hookers on the C-Line and basically did my weight in cocaine, but here I am today, a gifted expert."

Throughout his life, Mr. Wiseman has been a pretty suave operator. Back in his home town of Gary, Indiana, we caught up with his mother Glenn Wiseman.

“As a child, he would make these stupid faces at me when he didn’t get his dessert,” recalls Mrs. Wiseman, an 84-year-old retired professional stunt woman. “He’d say ‘Mom, you’re so wicked and now I can’t do any homework without the ice cream.’ Eventually, I’d give in, because of his facial expressions which conveyed a deep sense of frustration or stupidity, I can’t really distinguish the two, but he’s my baby boy, so I just figured it was frustration. I guess you can say the expressions traveled down to his hands.”

Back in New York, Mr. Wiseman explains why this is so effective. “You see, when we use our hands, people get confused and they automatically think that you’re on to something greater, as though you’re on the cusp of saying something so profound and new that it would change the entire space time continuum into a massive black hole quark, subatomic particle, binary fission, binary code! However, if the listener really knew anything, they would know that you’re just talking shit.”

Mr. Wiseman continued his explanation using an example of his daily workings.

“Do you honestly think I would know how the stock market would turn on any given day, or any given hour? I just say stuff and if it does go my way, I take the credit, and if not, I can easily blame something on an outside event or factor. Take for instance all of the Middle-East battles going on right now. I can predict that the markets will be heavily up tomorrow, because of my analyses and hand gestures, but if things don’t go well, all I have to say is ‘The new battle over chicken coops in the country of Oman has severely hurt the prices for foreign oil, which has hurt Wall Street today. We didn't see this coming’ and that would be that. Plus, throw in a hand gesture and you’re golden. Can you believe I netted $2,300,000 last year for just doing this?”

As we conclude our lunch meeting, Mr. Wiseman explains further, but an important phone call must be taken. At this point, he expertly asks us to leave with his hands showing a need for privacy, but as we leave we notice he’s broken out in a cold sweat, he's visibly shaking from anxiety, and his voice begins to crack and stammer. You see, over the phone no one gives a shit about your hands.

Quote of the Day

"He said I'd never get into Harvard." 

- a teary Derek Fisher regarding a missed assignment of Jeremy Lin.

UCLA Student Mocks Ethnic Student Population In Order To Get Date With Asians

 

UCLA student Alexandra Wallace posted a Youtube video supposedly mocking her Asian-American peers, but in actuality her intentions were to get dates with the young males of that particular group.

“Why do you think I wore such a low cut tank top in my video? Of course I’m trying to score some dates. Asians are awesome, smart, obedient, and they’re pretty good in the sack,” said Miss Wallace from her apartment, which is overrun by Asians, making it in effect Little Chinatown.

Walrus Reactions

UCLA Student Mocks Ethnic Student Population In Order To Get Date With Asians

 

“I rearry want to make the babee with her.” - Yoo Sung-Chang Wong, or as friends call him, Clancy, UCLA ’13.

 

 

“Leave our Asian men alone. They’re small, defenseless and need to be told what to do by other Asian women only.” - Danielle Wong UCLA ’12.

“I love banana splits...if ya know what I'm sayin.” - Anderson Chiao, UCLA ’14.

 

“That girl a ho. Matter fact, we ran a train on her last week.” - Marcus Williams (not a student).