Preppy College Students Annoy Local Man, Get What They Asked For

Oakland, CA – A group of local college students attempted to recreate a special moment in the hit television series Glee, but was stopped short when a physical altercation ensued.

Matt Evans and Mary Summers (circled) looking preppy.

A blustery Monday morning was the perfect setting for a group of friends and dance groups to meet at Lake Merritt to film their song “Singing in the Rain” based off of the hit television series “Glee.”

“We all woke up from a slumber party, put on our knee-high, striped socks, make-up, brought out our umbrellas and headed to Lake Merritt. It started out so hopeful,” says Mary Summers.

After some intense warm ups including singing various top adult-contemporary hits, the group decided to get into the dance routine. Things were going well until the 25th take when local resident known around the area as “Big Ed” came to the group and asked them to “knock that shit off.”

“We’re college kids who love Glee. We just wanted to be cool so we might end up on Youtube or something,” says Matt Evans.

Sadly, this was not a match made in a comfortable, climate controlled television studio.

"Big Ed" is an amateur boxer.

“Look, those kids were pissing me off and I couldn’t take it anymore,” says Big Ed. “They were all jumping and singing these stupid songs, in the damn rain no less, that are way too obscure for anyone in their twenties to even know. Plus even the Tai Chi group was getting fed up with these jerks. So, naturally, someone had to step up.”

After an exchange of four letter words and words from recent lectures in students’ political science and sociology courses, Big Ed’s patience gave out. What happened next is described as a blur.

“His hands were so fast and we were slow in our pathetic ways. And poor Matt,” Mary recalls.

Evans got a textbook right hook from Big Ed and went down for the count.

“Sweet Mother of Matthew Morrison, I felt that hit and I fell down. The next thing I know, I hear Maroon 5’s ‘Misery’ in my head, especially the line ‘there ain’t nobody who can comfort me’ and I went limp,” says Evans, who has since recovered, but will never sing Glee songs again due to the traumatic memories.

The altercation was broken up by police. No charges were filed, and the police even were empathetic toward Big Ed’s intentions.

“This is Oakland. We love Keak,” said Officer Dean Combs.

US Army Specialist Receives Highest Marksmanship Distinction, Credits "Angry Birds"

“Ain’t no thang to it. I get three stars on each level and I could probably do it in my sleep. Shit, I even have 'Angry Birds: RIO' on lock down. See those guys running the hill over there? Give me one of those fragment grenades and it’s like using that little blue bird.” – Specialist Jacob Ellsworth.

“He is the most goddamn outstanding recruit with a rocket launcher and mortar I have ever seen. His accuracy, as well as precision, is off the charts. If he wasn’t so goddamn stupid, he might actually make it to a position other than coffee maker.” – Staff Sergeant Donald Miller.

Fed Up Professor Starts Site to Rate Characteristics of Students

San Jose, CA – Professor Martin Gale, professor of mathematics at San Jose State, who grew tired and fed up with the poor ratings he has on RateMyProfessors.com has set up a site of his own rating students in his classes.

In an effort to give the students a taste of their own medicine for giving him ratings of 1.2 for helpfulness, 1.0 for clarity, and 0.9 for easiness, and no “hot” for his appearances, Professor Gale has developed his own website to get back at his own graduate and undergraduate students.

His website is called RateTheseIdiotKids.com and is a fully functioning website that emulates the categories and ratings of RateMyProfessors, but has a slightly altered category listing.

Professor Gale being nerdy.

“Well, we can’t use the same ratings because these fucking kids don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about in regards to ‘helpfulness’ or ‘clarity,’” says Professor Gale who sits hunched over his crowded desk in a sub-basement office in the math department.

Instead of the ratings from the RateMyProfessor’s website, Professor Gale’s site uses categories titled “chances of fucking up,” “chances of sleeping in class,” and “chances of being a suck-up.”

“These ratings are subjective, but then again, so are the ratings at the other site,” claims Prof. Gale. “I don’t write the rules; I just read them and apply them.”

So far his site has garnered praise from his fellow faculty, and as word spreads, he has received congratulatory remarks from professors at other universities such as UC Berkeley, California State University – East Bay, the University of Utah, and even Oxford University. Surprisingly, Stanford University did not elect to comment on this news article, despite their reputation for advances in internet and social networking technologies. We speculate that the students never give professors low ratings due to the uncanny correlation of being douche bags and not knowing which hand is their right compared to their left.

“All I’m hoping for is a chance to show these asshole kids what type of assholes they are, so that one day, we can never see them in charge of our pension funds.”