Slow Poke Movie Reviews: The Hobbit

The Walrus Moose has fake news, but real movie reviews. This is one of those reviews.

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"The Hobbit" is a film like any other "Lord of the Rings" films. It roots itself in a far off, fantasy adventure story where there are giant eagles that could easily deposit hobbits, men, dwarves, elves, other eagles, small eagles, big eagles, or even Princess Peach to a desired location. However, this argument is for a different time and place.

Random Google image search for Biblo Baggins Drawing

Meet Biblo Baggins, played by Martin Freeman of the original UK "Office" fame and more recently as Dr. John Watson in BBC's fantastic "Sherlock" series. He's a Baggins of Bag End and nothing remotely interesting happens to him, or for any hobbit, I guess. What is a hobbit anyway? From the context of the films ("Lord of the Rings" and now "The Hobbit"), viewers can take away that hobbits are weed smoking, garden hoeing, ale drinking hippies in Middle Earth. There's nothing wrong with this lifestyle at all. This is probably the most chill lifestyle in all of Middle Earth. Why be a dwarf mining in the dark when you could be sippin' on some Hen' with your buddies from the ProudFeet/Foot clan? Why try and keep everything in balance as an elf and braid one another's bleach blonde hair in Rivendell when you could just have a merry gathering in the Shire with your attractive barmaid Rosie? See? It's all about living easy, and in The Shire, the living is easy.

But, knowing some giant wizards (just four in all the lands of Middle Earth, according to this new Hobbit movie) will certainly get you into more adventures as a hobbit from The Shire.

Enter Gandalf the Grey who is here to spice things up for young Biblo. But first, let's smoke some weed to get into the right mood to bring some disgruntled dwarves over for a midnight snack.

Random Google image search for Biblo Baggins Drawing

Overall, the film is a great adventure story of regal dwarves wanting to reclaim their home, rock giants who fight in storming conditions, Orcs and their Orc leader who resembles Kratos from the game series "God of War," super fat Goblins, giant hyena/wolverine dogs who make Taylor Lautner look like a fluffy dog, forest wizards who fight giant spiders and heal Sonic's other hedgehog cousins and Smeagol the most insane hobbit ever to grace the silver screen (spoilers: he looks f**king great on screen).

If you're into a fun adventure story and you want to believe the characters as they travel over the mountains, through the woods and into troll territory to fight a gold hoarding dragon, then go see "The Hobbit." However, if you've read the above and think that this movie stinks, then you should go hang out with Merry and Pippin as they raid the pantry of all the snacks.

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TL;DR version:

Highs: Adventure story time with great score by Howard Shore! 

Lows: Lots of stuff that you might not care about...like councils on magic rings and Morgul blades. And this is only part one of three films coming.

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Overall: It's fun. Go see it in 24 frames per second and in regular two-dimensions.

Rating (when/where you should see this movie): Watch it in the theater.