Cat Loses Job Sitting in Window as U.S. Recession Continues

Alfred the cat has lost his job sitting in the window on the second floor of 741 Evergreen Terrace. He had been there over eight years.

Alfred first gained this post when he was a mere kitten born from a calico mother and a tabby father. Of course things never were easy. Being in a litter of seven, Alfred had to scheme hard to ensure his post of window cat was secured.

Alfred during happier times.

Always early to rise and late to leave the post, Alfred was paid in Friskars twice a day with snacks and water and toilet breaks whenever needed. Alfred is owned by Bill and Molly Huggins and their daughters Helga and Helen.

“It was a very difficult choice for us as household owners,” said Bill Huggins, home owner and Alfred’s employer. “We didn’t want to have it come to this, but we all needed to cut back and tighten our belts for this economy. Sacrifices had to be made.”

“Sacrifices? Hardly the term I would have used. We needed to downsize, and that’s the truth,” said Molly Huggins, wife of Bill.

“That cat had been slacking off on his duties of doing nothing. We don’t have a place in our home for that kind of non-sense. Plus, do you know how much Friskars costs? It’s expensive and the coupons aren’t printed each week like Pillsbury shit,” Molly continued.

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*Figures probably not accurate at all and do not match with
story at all.

This type of removal from window sills is not uncommon these days. Many cats in many homes have had to face this reality. This year alone, over 14,000 cats have been relieved of their duties to sit in windows. Over the course of the recession dating back to 2007 (when we first started recording cat-window turnover) nearly 130,000 cats have been fired. The numbers are staggering, but they hardly indicate a slowing trend.

Even with stimulus plans like the “No Cat Left Behind” act signed by other homeowners and approved by PETA, cats are still facing a tough time finding work sitting in window sills.

A growing number of non-partisan groups have been advocating this removal of cats for years. Many feel that the cats add no value to a household if they just sit and stare out windows.

“Unless those cats are from a Patricia C. Wrede book or are Professor McGonagall in disguise, there’s not fucking need for them at all,” says Lucy Farrington, head of www.catsanddgosareuselssinrecessions.org.

“They’re consumers and sometimes provide no companionship at all. But if you’re 99 years old and love knitting ridiculous things for your grandchildren and just collect cats off the street, that’s fine, but really, no need for cats,” says Judy Maguire, anti-cat activist.

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One group who isn’t worried: dogs. Dogs have long been considered man’s best friend because of their loyal nature and ability to be domesticated and trained. And while cats have been losing jobs, dogs have been able to sustain their trends as household staples.

The 1% of dogs was to just make the cats feel better.
No dogs have been dismissed.

“Dogs are just less bitchy,” says Dave Colbert of Wausau, WI. “They actually give a fuck when you come home and don’t just care about getting food so that they can leave and be with their friends. Personally, I’m glad these asshole cats are losing their jobs sitting in windows.”

“Cats are like your pre-teen daughter, they want to be seen without you and just want cash to go to the mall, but dogs…,” said Matt Bryson, “they will stay with you through thick and thin. So of course, if I had to cut some jobs around the house, cats would be the first to go.”

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Alfred isn’t sure where he’s headed next. But as the cats continue losing more and more of their meaningless jobs, there have been reports that cat gangs are forming and beginning to overtake households who have scorned them.

We asked Alfred if he would join any of these gangs. Obviously he didn’t respond, because, well, he’s a cat.

Nemo Graduates From College, Finds Job at Dental Office

Nemo, of Finding Nemo fame, has since grown up and graduated from University of Manta Ray with a degree in Bioengineering.

"It's a rough economy even here in Australia," he said. "I had to get a job at P. Sherman's dental office which is now run by Darla. Can you imagine that? I was there eight years ago pretending to be dead in order to escape, and now I'm back working in the fish tank for minimum wage. FML for really."

Princess Peach Files for Divorce

In a shocking turn of events, Princess Peach has filed for divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage.

"I just couldn't take it anymore. [Mario] has been running around through those tunnels for so many years, and I'm so tired of it. Who does he think he's kidding? If you see Mario ask him this: how come Princess Daisy never answers the phone when Mario is out, too?"

Princess Peach's settlement is asking for $50 million gold coins, two extra 1-up's yearly, and equal sharing of Yoshi.

President Obama Drinks Guinness, Proves He's Still Cooler Than President Bush

"He didn't get Osama and he quit drinking. Check and mate." - President Obama

President Bush could not be reached for comment.

Preppy College Students Annoy Local Man, Get What They Asked For

Oakland, CA – A group of local college students attempted to recreate a special moment in the hit television series Glee, but was stopped short when a physical altercation ensued.

Matt Evans and Mary Summers (circled) looking preppy.

A blustery Monday morning was the perfect setting for a group of friends and dance groups to meet at Lake Merritt to film their song “Singing in the Rain” based off of the hit television series “Glee.”

“We all woke up from a slumber party, put on our knee-high, striped socks, make-up, brought out our umbrellas and headed to Lake Merritt. It started out so hopeful,” says Mary Summers.

After some intense warm ups including singing various top adult-contemporary hits, the group decided to get into the dance routine. Things were going well until the 25th take when local resident known around the area as “Big Ed” came to the group and asked them to “knock that shit off.”

“We’re college kids who love Glee. We just wanted to be cool so we might end up on Youtube or something,” says Matt Evans.

Sadly, this was not a match made in a comfortable, climate controlled television studio.

"Big Ed" is an amateur boxer.

“Look, those kids were pissing me off and I couldn’t take it anymore,” says Big Ed. “They were all jumping and singing these stupid songs, in the damn rain no less, that are way too obscure for anyone in their twenties to even know. Plus even the Tai Chi group was getting fed up with these jerks. So, naturally, someone had to step up.”

After an exchange of four letter words and words from recent lectures in students’ political science and sociology courses, Big Ed’s patience gave out. What happened next is described as a blur.

“His hands were so fast and we were slow in our pathetic ways. And poor Matt,” Mary recalls.

Evans got a textbook right hook from Big Ed and went down for the count.

“Sweet Mother of Matthew Morrison, I felt that hit and I fell down. The next thing I know, I hear Maroon 5’s ‘Misery’ in my head, especially the line ‘there ain’t nobody who can comfort me’ and I went limp,” says Evans, who has since recovered, but will never sing Glee songs again due to the traumatic memories.

The altercation was broken up by police. No charges were filed, and the police even were empathetic toward Big Ed’s intentions.

“This is Oakland. We love Keak,” said Officer Dean Combs.

US Army Specialist Receives Highest Marksmanship Distinction, Credits "Angry Birds"

“Ain’t no thang to it. I get three stars on each level and I could probably do it in my sleep. Shit, I even have 'Angry Birds: RIO' on lock down. See those guys running the hill over there? Give me one of those fragment grenades and it’s like using that little blue bird.” – Specialist Jacob Ellsworth.

“He is the most goddamn outstanding recruit with a rocket launcher and mortar I have ever seen. His accuracy, as well as precision, is off the charts. If he wasn’t so goddamn stupid, he might actually make it to a position other than coffee maker.” – Staff Sergeant Donald Miller.

Fed Up Professor Starts Site to Rate Characteristics of Students

San Jose, CA – Professor Martin Gale, professor of mathematics at San Jose State, who grew tired and fed up with the poor ratings he has on RateMyProfessors.com has set up a site of his own rating students in his classes.

In an effort to give the students a taste of their own medicine for giving him ratings of 1.2 for helpfulness, 1.0 for clarity, and 0.9 for easiness, and no “hot” for his appearances, Professor Gale has developed his own website to get back at his own graduate and undergraduate students.

His website is called RateTheseIdiotKids.com and is a fully functioning website that emulates the categories and ratings of RateMyProfessors, but has a slightly altered category listing.

Professor Gale being nerdy.

“Well, we can’t use the same ratings because these fucking kids don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about in regards to ‘helpfulness’ or ‘clarity,’” says Professor Gale who sits hunched over his crowded desk in a sub-basement office in the math department.

Instead of the ratings from the RateMyProfessor’s website, Professor Gale’s site uses categories titled “chances of fucking up,” “chances of sleeping in class,” and “chances of being a suck-up.”

“These ratings are subjective, but then again, so are the ratings at the other site,” claims Prof. Gale. “I don’t write the rules; I just read them and apply them.”

So far his site has garnered praise from his fellow faculty, and as word spreads, he has received congratulatory remarks from professors at other universities such as UC Berkeley, California State University – East Bay, the University of Utah, and even Oxford University. Surprisingly, Stanford University did not elect to comment on this news article, despite their reputation for advances in internet and social networking technologies. We speculate that the students never give professors low ratings due to the uncanny correlation of being douche bags and not knowing which hand is their right compared to their left.

“All I’m hoping for is a chance to show these asshole kids what type of assholes they are, so that one day, we can never see them in charge of our pension funds.”