Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Slow Poke Movie Reviews: The Hobbit

The Walrus Moose has fake news, but real movie reviews. This is one of those reviews.

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"The Hobbit" is a film like any other "Lord of the Rings" films. It roots itself in a far off, fantasy adventure story where there are giant eagles that could easily deposit hobbits, men, dwarves, elves, other eagles, small eagles, big eagles, or even Princess Peach to a desired location. However, this argument is for a different time and place.


Random Google image search for Biblo Baggins Drawing
Meet Biblo Baggins, played by Martin Freeman of the original UK "Office" fame and more recently as Dr. John Watson in BBC's fantastic "Sherlock" series. He's a Baggins of Bag End and nothing remotely interesting happens to him, or for any hobbit, I guess. What is a hobbit anyway? From the context of the films ("Lord of the Rings" and now "The Hobbit"), viewers can take away that hobbits are weed smoking, garden hoeing, ale drinking hippies in Middle Earth. There's nothing wrong with this lifestyle at all. This is probably the most chill lifestyle in all of Middle Earth. Why be a dwarf mining in the dark when you could be sippin' on some Hen' with your buddies from the ProudFeet/Foot clan? Why try and keep everything in balance as an elf and braid one another's bleach blonde hair in Rivendell when you could just have a merry gathering in the Shire with your attractive barmaid Rosie? See? It's all about living easy, and in The Shire, the living is easy.

But, knowing some giant wizards (just four in all the lands of Middle Earth, according to this new Hobbit movie) will certainly get you into more adventures as a hobbit from The Shire.

Enter Gandalf the Grey who is here to spice things up for young Biblo. But first, let's smoke some weed to get into the right mood to bring some disgruntled dwarves over for a midnight snack.


Random Google image search for Biblo Baggins Drawing
Overall, the film is a great adventure story of regal dwarves wanting to reclaim their home, rock giants who fight in storming conditions, Orcs and their Orc leader who resembles Kratos from the game series "God of War," super fat Goblins, giant hyena/wolverine dogs who make Taylor Lautner look like a fluffy dog, forest wizards who fight giant spiders and heal Sonic's other hedgehog cousins and Smeagol the most insane hobbit ever to grace the silver screen (spoilers: he looks f**king great on screen).

If you're into a fun adventure story and you want to believe the characters as they travel over the mountains, through the woods and into troll territory to fight a gold hoarding dragon, then go see "The Hobbit." However, if you've read the above and think that this movie stinks, then you should go hang out with Merry and Pippin as they raid the pantry of all the snacks.

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TL;DR version:

Highs: Adventure story time with great score by Howard Shore! 

Lows: Lots of stuff that you might not care about...like councils on magic rings and Morgul blades. And this is only part one of three films coming.

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Overall: It's fun. Go see it in 24 frames per second and in regular two-dimensions.

Rating (when/where you should see this movie): Watch it in the theater.

Coach Taylor Loves Service, Misses Football

Washington, DC - Coach Eric Taylor formerly of the Dillion Panthers, the East Dillion Lions and most recently of the Pemberton Pioneers in Philadelphia grows tired of his roles in the US Government and often misses coaching.

In an air-conditioned office on Capitol Hill, he sits in a plush, red leather chair usually reserved for Chief Justices in the US Supreme Court. Eric Taylor is on the phone, his fourth call of the morning. This time he's talking to the President's Press Secretary about talking points for a speech he will give later today about the life cycles of clandestine agents in the field for a Georgetown Law seminar. He claims he's not tired and his voice's enthusiasm is in accordance, but his eyes tell a different story.

Coach Taylor with the Lions
"US politics and policy are much different than Texas football," he says with a small grin. "I miss those boys. I miss the two-a-days and I miss state titles."

Coach Taylor is one of the most prolific coaches in all of high school football with a record of 48-16, four playoff appearances, three state title appearances and two state titles.

Texas forever, right?

After his wife, Mrs. Coach, took the position of Dean of Admissions at Braemore College in Philadelphia, Coach Taylor's interest in politics grew. Being in the city where the Declaration of Independence was signed probably helped a little bit.

"I was running a football youth camp with my assistant coaches and it was raining and snowing and it was cold; nothing like a Texas training camp, but that's a different story. I was getting tired of grinding my gears with knucklehead football players. I just decided that I wanted to try out politics and ask grown men if they understood me. Plus, I could give 'em an ass kicking and not have to worry about the PTA," Taylor explains.

Coach Taylor with intelligence agents
So when the opportunity for a station chief for the CIA opened up, Coach Taylor pounced on the possibility. He was moved out to an undisclosed location, and had to be without his wife and two daughters for a bit, but he made it back wiser, stronger, and hungrier for more.

"I learned so much from the educated operators and agents. But, I felt that coaching gave me a lot of perspective on leadership, too. There was no Matt Saracen to quarterback anything, and no Tim Riggins to help lead the charge, but we did have a lot of guys that reminded me of Vince Howard in their ability to improvise on the go. Instead of running wheel routes with an audible for a 'play-action skinny post one-two, one-two, alert alert system go' we'd run things like 'Get that fucking asshole and make him give us information, now.' So, clearly, it was different but kind of the same.

"But, I didn't want to be away from Mrs. Taylor, Julie and Gracie Belle so much of the year. I missed them a lot, so I went into a domestic job as Chief of Staff to the President. It's a lot smoother, and I can visit my wife at the college on weekends, or we head out to Chicago to visit Julie and Matt."

Coach Taylor with several member of the US Cabinet
Life seems to be going fairly well for Coach Taylor. When asked what's next and if he'll go back to coaching his eyes gloss over and he smiles his winning smile. But, he side steps the question better than Smash Williams during the State Title game.

"Some days I do miss coaching. But, what's life without exploring new possibilities. Wherever I go, I never forget what has transpired in Texas. There's a soft spot in my heart for those boys and to those coaches for what we went through. I never leave anything out of the question, though. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose."

Friday, December 14, 2012

Slow Poke Movie Reviews: Anna Karenina

The Walrus Moose has fake news, but real movie reviews. This is one of those reviews.

Add some movie review variety to your life.

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Random Google Image Search For Anna Karenina

Two-Sentence movie review for Anna Karenina.

Anna Karenina is a marvelous movie-going experience. Marvelous set pieces, marvelous costumes, marvelously good-looking actors, marvelous music selection, marvelous choreography, and it's also marvelously boring.

Movie Review Haiku for Anna Karenina:

Beautiful Picture. So Many Characters Here. Is It Over Yet?

Highs and Lows:

Highs: Jude Law. He's a virtuous man who is both devoted to his country and his family.

Lows: Keira Knightley. Disclaimer: I haven't seen "Pride and Prejudice," nor have I finished "Atonement". But really, when has a character of hers NOT effed things up for everyone.

- "Bend It Like Beckham" - Makes Jessminder's parents think Jess is a lesbian.
- "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" - Conjures evil, undead pirates back to jolly old England, gets her butler shot in the face as he answers the door, snubs Commodore Norrington's marriage proposal...which leads to him becoming a drunk and dying in subsequent "Pirates" films, destroys Jack Sparrow's rum collection.
- "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" - Leaves Jack Sparrow to be eaten by the Kraken.
- "Anna Karenina" - Ruins everyone's day, because she's just a terrible, terrible person.

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Overall: If you think Jane Austen's published works are annoyingly long, wait until you read Tolstoy's stuff.

Rating: Watch it on DVD when you're cramming for finals for a Russian literature class.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Walrus Moose Quickies

Sacramento, CA - Fans of the Sacramento Kings say they feel "regal." Their surrounding homes and neighborhoods reject this claim.

Miami, FL - Seniors complain it's too hot outdoors and too cold indoors. Decide to meet at La Rosa restaurant for dinner at 4 PM.

New York, NY - Restaurant with "World's Best Coffee" re-opens after Hurricane Sandy mess. World breathes a sigh of relief.

Gotham City - Crime rates peak at 125% over normal levels as man who looks like Joseph Gordon-Levitt said to be battling Gotham's foes.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Special Advisor to President Obama Leaving


In a huge blow to the President, just a few months before his re-election campaign, Bo Obama, the president's Portuguese Water Dog will be leaving the white house to pursue his own interests which many have guessed is spokes-dog for Purina.

Bo advising President Obama on football mechanics
There had been rampant speculation for months on end about Bo's decision, but ultimately he felt that he needed to go and that the opportunity to represent Purina, a lifelong passion and goal, was much too important to pass up.

In a statement released by the White House, President Obama wrote: "We are sad to see Bo go, but we know it's for the best. We wish him the best of luck. He will forever, and always, be our First Dog."

At the early morning press conference today, Bo took to the microphone but could barely get out a whimper before being called for a special treat.

Cynthia Hilliard contributed to this article.