New York – A Dow Jones Industrial stock expert claims repeatedly shaking one’s own hands while doing interviews gives credibility.
Michael Wiseman is a stocks and futures expert who runs his own financial services firm Black Tree, LLC. In doing interviews he claims that by using hand gestures knowingly, you can create a better sense of authority, or (false) intellectual pride.
“I first discovered this while back in undergrad at Boston University,” said Mr. Wiseman, who sits in his first-floor office sipping a drink out of a white paper cup. His office is neatly put together, with a large three-panel view of the street below which directly faces a Dunkin’ Donuts.
“The thing is that my professors thought I was stupid, and I really am, but through making hand gestures and making my fingers cringe from time-to-time, I was able to pull off that I was gifted and talented. I partied hard every night, slept with all of the hookers on the C-Line and basically did my weight in cocaine, but here I am today, a gifted expert."
Throughout his life, Mr. Wiseman has been a pretty suave operator. Back in his home town of Gary, Indiana, we caught up with his mother Glenn Wiseman.
“As a child, he would make these stupid faces at me when he didn’t get his dessert,” recalls Mrs. Wiseman, an 84-year-old retired professional stunt woman. “He’d say ‘Mom, you’re so wicked and now I can’t do any homework without the ice cream.’ Eventually, I’d give in, because of his facial expressions which conveyed a deep sense of frustration or stupidity, I can’t really distinguish the two, but he’s my baby boy, so I just figured it was frustration. I guess you can say the expressions traveled down to his hands.”
Back in New York, Mr. Wiseman explains why this is so effective. “You see, when we use our hands, people get confused and they automatically think that you’re on to something greater, as though you’re on the cusp of saying something so profound and new that it would change the entire space time continuum into a massive black hole quark, subatomic particle, binary fission, binary code! However, if the listener really knew anything, they would know that you’re just talking shit.”
Mr. Wiseman continued his explanation using an example of his daily workings.
“Do you honestly think I would know how the stock market would turn on any given day, or any given hour? I just say stuff and if it does go my way, I take the credit, and if not, I can easily blame something on an outside event or factor. Take for instance all of the Middle-East battles going on right now. I can predict that the markets will be heavily up tomorrow, because of my analyses and hand gestures, but if things don’t go well, all I have to say is ‘The new battle over chicken coops in the country of Oman has severely hurt the prices for foreign oil, which has hurt Wall Street today. We didn't see this coming’ and that would be that. Plus, throw in a hand gesture and you’re golden. Can you believe I netted $2,300,000 last year for just doing this?”
As we conclude our lunch meeting, Mr. Wiseman explains further, but an important phone call must be taken. At this point, he expertly asks us to leave with his hands showing a need for privacy, but as we leave we notice he’s broken out in a cold sweat, he's visibly shaking from anxiety, and his voice begins to crack and stammer. You see, over the phone no one gives a shit about your hands.
