Cat Loses Job Sitting in Window as U.S. Recession Continues

Alfred the cat has lost his job sitting in the window on the second floor of 741 Evergreen Terrace. He had been there over eight years.

Alfred first gained this post when he was a mere kitten born from a calico mother and a tabby father. Of course things never were easy. Being in a litter of seven, Alfred had to scheme hard to ensure his post of window cat was secured.

Alfred during happier times.

Always early to rise and late to leave the post, Alfred was paid in Friskars twice a day with snacks and water and toilet breaks whenever needed. Alfred is owned by Bill and Molly Huggins and their daughters Helga and Helen.

“It was a very difficult choice for us as household owners,” said Bill Huggins, home owner and Alfred’s employer. “We didn’t want to have it come to this, but we all needed to cut back and tighten our belts for this economy. Sacrifices had to be made.”

“Sacrifices? Hardly the term I would have used. We needed to downsize, and that’s the truth,” said Molly Huggins, wife of Bill.

“That cat had been slacking off on his duties of doing nothing. We don’t have a place in our home for that kind of non-sense. Plus, do you know how much Friskars costs? It’s expensive and the coupons aren’t printed each week like Pillsbury shit,” Molly continued.

--

*Figures probably not accurate at all and do not match with
story at all.

This type of removal from window sills is not uncommon these days. Many cats in many homes have had to face this reality. This year alone, over 14,000 cats have been relieved of their duties to sit in windows. Over the course of the recession dating back to 2007 (when we first started recording cat-window turnover) nearly 130,000 cats have been fired. The numbers are staggering, but they hardly indicate a slowing trend.

Even with stimulus plans like the “No Cat Left Behind” act signed by other homeowners and approved by PETA, cats are still facing a tough time finding work sitting in window sills.

A growing number of non-partisan groups have been advocating this removal of cats for years. Many feel that the cats add no value to a household if they just sit and stare out windows.

“Unless those cats are from a Patricia C. Wrede book or are Professor McGonagall in disguise, there’s not fucking need for them at all,” says Lucy Farrington, head of www.catsanddgosareuselssinrecessions.org.

“They’re consumers and sometimes provide no companionship at all. But if you’re 99 years old and love knitting ridiculous things for your grandchildren and just collect cats off the street, that’s fine, but really, no need for cats,” says Judy Maguire, anti-cat activist.

--

One group who isn’t worried: dogs. Dogs have long been considered man’s best friend because of their loyal nature and ability to be domesticated and trained. And while cats have been losing jobs, dogs have been able to sustain their trends as household staples.

The 1% of dogs was to just make the cats feel better.
No dogs have been dismissed.

“Dogs are just less bitchy,” says Dave Colbert of Wausau, WI. “They actually give a fuck when you come home and don’t just care about getting food so that they can leave and be with their friends. Personally, I’m glad these asshole cats are losing their jobs sitting in windows.”

“Cats are like your pre-teen daughter, they want to be seen without you and just want cash to go to the mall, but dogs…,” said Matt Bryson, “they will stay with you through thick and thin. So of course, if I had to cut some jobs around the house, cats would be the first to go.”

--

Alfred isn’t sure where he’s headed next. But as the cats continue losing more and more of their meaningless jobs, there have been reports that cat gangs are forming and beginning to overtake households who have scorned them.

We asked Alfred if he would join any of these gangs. Obviously he didn’t respond, because, well, he’s a cat.

Nemo Graduates From College, Finds Job at Dental Office

Nemo, of Finding Nemo fame, has since grown up and graduated from University of Manta Ray with a degree in Bioengineering.

"It's a rough economy even here in Australia," he said. "I had to get a job at P. Sherman's dental office which is now run by Darla. Can you imagine that? I was there eight years ago pretending to be dead in order to escape, and now I'm back working in the fish tank for minimum wage. FML for really."

Princess Peach Files for Divorce

In a shocking turn of events, Princess Peach has filed for divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage.

"I just couldn't take it anymore. [Mario] has been running around through those tunnels for so many years, and I'm so tired of it. Who does he think he's kidding? If you see Mario ask him this: how come Princess Daisy never answers the phone when Mario is out, too?"

Princess Peach's settlement is asking for $50 million gold coins, two extra 1-up's yearly, and equal sharing of Yoshi.

President Obama Drinks Guinness, Proves He's Still Cooler Than President Bush

"He didn't get Osama and he quit drinking. Check and mate." - President Obama

President Bush could not be reached for comment.

Preppy College Students Annoy Local Man, Get What They Asked For

Oakland, CA – A group of local college students attempted to recreate a special moment in the hit television series Glee, but was stopped short when a physical altercation ensued.

Matt Evans and Mary Summers (circled) looking preppy.

A blustery Monday morning was the perfect setting for a group of friends and dance groups to meet at Lake Merritt to film their song “Singing in the Rain” based off of the hit television series “Glee.”

“We all woke up from a slumber party, put on our knee-high, striped socks, make-up, brought out our umbrellas and headed to Lake Merritt. It started out so hopeful,” says Mary Summers.

After some intense warm ups including singing various top adult-contemporary hits, the group decided to get into the dance routine. Things were going well until the 25th take when local resident known around the area as “Big Ed” came to the group and asked them to “knock that shit off.”

“We’re college kids who love Glee. We just wanted to be cool so we might end up on Youtube or something,” says Matt Evans.

Sadly, this was not a match made in a comfortable, climate controlled television studio.

"Big Ed" is an amateur boxer.

“Look, those kids were pissing me off and I couldn’t take it anymore,” says Big Ed. “They were all jumping and singing these stupid songs, in the damn rain no less, that are way too obscure for anyone in their twenties to even know. Plus even the Tai Chi group was getting fed up with these jerks. So, naturally, someone had to step up.”

After an exchange of four letter words and words from recent lectures in students’ political science and sociology courses, Big Ed’s patience gave out. What happened next is described as a blur.

“His hands were so fast and we were slow in our pathetic ways. And poor Matt,” Mary recalls.

Evans got a textbook right hook from Big Ed and went down for the count.

“Sweet Mother of Matthew Morrison, I felt that hit and I fell down. The next thing I know, I hear Maroon 5’s ‘Misery’ in my head, especially the line ‘there ain’t nobody who can comfort me’ and I went limp,” says Evans, who has since recovered, but will never sing Glee songs again due to the traumatic memories.

The altercation was broken up by police. No charges were filed, and the police even were empathetic toward Big Ed’s intentions.

“This is Oakland. We love Keak,” said Officer Dean Combs.

US Army Specialist Receives Highest Marksmanship Distinction, Credits "Angry Birds"

“Ain’t no thang to it. I get three stars on each level and I could probably do it in my sleep. Shit, I even have 'Angry Birds: RIO' on lock down. See those guys running the hill over there? Give me one of those fragment grenades and it’s like using that little blue bird.” – Specialist Jacob Ellsworth.

“He is the most goddamn outstanding recruit with a rocket launcher and mortar I have ever seen. His accuracy, as well as precision, is off the charts. If he wasn’t so goddamn stupid, he might actually make it to a position other than coffee maker.” – Staff Sergeant Donald Miller.

Fed Up Professor Starts Site to Rate Characteristics of Students

San Jose, CA – Professor Martin Gale, professor of mathematics at San Jose State, who grew tired and fed up with the poor ratings he has on RateMyProfessors.com has set up a site of his own rating students in his classes.

In an effort to give the students a taste of their own medicine for giving him ratings of 1.2 for helpfulness, 1.0 for clarity, and 0.9 for easiness, and no “hot” for his appearances, Professor Gale has developed his own website to get back at his own graduate and undergraduate students.

His website is called RateTheseIdiotKids.com and is a fully functioning website that emulates the categories and ratings of RateMyProfessors, but has a slightly altered category listing.

Professor Gale being nerdy.

“Well, we can’t use the same ratings because these fucking kids don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about in regards to ‘helpfulness’ or ‘clarity,’” says Professor Gale who sits hunched over his crowded desk in a sub-basement office in the math department.

Instead of the ratings from the RateMyProfessor’s website, Professor Gale’s site uses categories titled “chances of fucking up,” “chances of sleeping in class,” and “chances of being a suck-up.”

“These ratings are subjective, but then again, so are the ratings at the other site,” claims Prof. Gale. “I don’t write the rules; I just read them and apply them.”

So far his site has garnered praise from his fellow faculty, and as word spreads, he has received congratulatory remarks from professors at other universities such as UC Berkeley, California State University – East Bay, the University of Utah, and even Oxford University. Surprisingly, Stanford University did not elect to comment on this news article, despite their reputation for advances in internet and social networking technologies. We speculate that the students never give professors low ratings due to the uncanny correlation of being douche bags and not knowing which hand is their right compared to their left.

“All I’m hoping for is a chance to show these asshole kids what type of assholes they are, so that one day, we can never see them in charge of our pension funds.”

Stock Expert Increases Hand Gestures, Earns More Money

 New York – A Dow Jones Industrial stock expert claims repeatedly shaking one’s own hands while doing interviews gives credibility.

Michael Wiseman is a stocks and futures expert who runs his own financial services firm Black Tree, LLC. In doing interviews he claims that by using hand gestures knowingly, you can create a better sense of authority, or (false) intellectual pride.

“I first discovered this while back in undergrad at Boston University,” said Mr. Wiseman, who sits in his first-floor office sipping a drink out of a white paper cup. His office is neatly put together, with a large three-panel view of the street below which directly faces a Dunkin’ Donuts.

“The thing is that my professors thought I was stupid, and I really am, but through making hand gestures and making my fingers cringe from time-to-time, I was able to pull off that I was gifted and talented. I partied hard every night, slept with all of the hookers on the C-Line and basically did my weight in cocaine, but here I am today, a gifted expert."

Throughout his life, Mr. Wiseman has been a pretty suave operator. Back in his home town of Gary, Indiana, we caught up with his mother Glenn Wiseman.

“As a child, he would make these stupid faces at me when he didn’t get his dessert,” recalls Mrs. Wiseman, an 84-year-old retired professional stunt woman. “He’d say ‘Mom, you’re so wicked and now I can’t do any homework without the ice cream.’ Eventually, I’d give in, because of his facial expressions which conveyed a deep sense of frustration or stupidity, I can’t really distinguish the two, but he’s my baby boy, so I just figured it was frustration. I guess you can say the expressions traveled down to his hands.”

Back in New York, Mr. Wiseman explains why this is so effective. “You see, when we use our hands, people get confused and they automatically think that you’re on to something greater, as though you’re on the cusp of saying something so profound and new that it would change the entire space time continuum into a massive black hole quark, subatomic particle, binary fission, binary code! However, if the listener really knew anything, they would know that you’re just talking shit.”

Mr. Wiseman continued his explanation using an example of his daily workings.

“Do you honestly think I would know how the stock market would turn on any given day, or any given hour? I just say stuff and if it does go my way, I take the credit, and if not, I can easily blame something on an outside event or factor. Take for instance all of the Middle-East battles going on right now. I can predict that the markets will be heavily up tomorrow, because of my analyses and hand gestures, but if things don’t go well, all I have to say is ‘The new battle over chicken coops in the country of Oman has severely hurt the prices for foreign oil, which has hurt Wall Street today. We didn't see this coming’ and that would be that. Plus, throw in a hand gesture and you’re golden. Can you believe I netted $2,300,000 last year for just doing this?”

As we conclude our lunch meeting, Mr. Wiseman explains further, but an important phone call must be taken. At this point, he expertly asks us to leave with his hands showing a need for privacy, but as we leave we notice he’s broken out in a cold sweat, he's visibly shaking from anxiety, and his voice begins to crack and stammer. You see, over the phone no one gives a shit about your hands.

Quote of the Day

"He said I'd never get into Harvard." 

- a teary Derek Fisher regarding a missed assignment of Jeremy Lin.

UCLA Student Mocks Ethnic Student Population In Order To Get Date With Asians

 

UCLA student Alexandra Wallace posted a Youtube video supposedly mocking her Asian-American peers, but in actuality her intentions were to get dates with the young males of that particular group.

“Why do you think I wore such a low cut tank top in my video? Of course I’m trying to score some dates. Asians are awesome, smart, obedient, and they’re pretty good in the sack,” said Miss Wallace from her apartment, which is overrun by Asians, making it in effect Little Chinatown.

Walrus Reactions

UCLA Student Mocks Ethnic Student Population In Order To Get Date With Asians

 

“I rearry want to make the babee with her.” - Yoo Sung-Chang Wong, or as friends call him, Clancy, UCLA ’13.

 

 

“Leave our Asian men alone. They’re small, defenseless and need to be told what to do by other Asian women only.” - Danielle Wong UCLA ’12.

“I love banana splits...if ya know what I'm sayin.” - Anderson Chiao, UCLA ’14.

 

“That girl a ho. Matter fact, we ran a train on her last week.” - Marcus Williams (not a student).

Nerd Goes On The Offensive. Kinda.

In a stunning turn of events, a docile graduate student fed up with her instructor’s ineptitude about a review staged a dramatic exit.

Joanna didn't need her inhaler here

Joanna Frye was sitting in her lecture hall while her professor reviewed the necessary material on the upcoming exam when she just couldn’t take it any more.

“Over 35 minutes of just going over what each chapter is about! I had had enough! I just snapped my laptop closed, threw some papers into the air and screamed an usually high blood-curdling scream before running out,” said a nasally Frye.

Sadly, her awesome attempt fell short.

“As I was proceeding to shift my body weight toward the exit, a blunt force hit my abdomen. It was like being slapped in the gut with a whale! I didn’t know whether I should have coughed, gagged or thrown up. I couldn’t even control my breathing; my brain was sending crazy signals!”

 

And what a whale this turned out to be. That blunt force was the foot of New Zealand native and all-star women’s rugby player Lucy McSouthers.

Listed at 5’11” and 180 pounds, McSouthers is one nasty Mother-McSouthers. A tearful Joanna gazed at McSouthers like a wounded deer, but no remorse was reciprocated.

A Sh-im?

Dejected, Joanna gingerly limped out the door holding back tears while attempting to shake a fist at McSouthers. She failed miserably in that regard, too.

“I’ll get that he/she some day, but obviously after the exam, and after my internal bleeding has stopped,” said Joanna from the floor of her bathroom. 

Godspeed, Joanna, Godspeed.

Walrus Moose - In Brief

London - Bruno Mars sued for not catching British soilder's live grenade. 

"He's just lost his biggest fan across the pond," says soilder.

..

Ann Arbor – Tony the Tiger seen eating Fruity Pebbles instead of his own trademark cereal. Kellogg’s gearing up for legal battle.

When asked why, Mr. Tiger replied, "It's it obvious? They're fruity."

..

Seattle - Man chops off fish's head with butcher knife. When asked why, the man replied, "he was being koi."

..

Hogwarts - Lord Voldemort teases Harry Potter by farting in his pensieve while in use; laughs hysterically from Hell.

Berkeley Protest Grows Rabid Despite Cuteness Level

Berkeley, CA - Student protestors continue their protest against Graduate Student Instructors over homework issues.

For the third consecutive day, aficionados and supporters of the popular Japanese Sanrio character Hello Kitty are protesting that their work on licensed paper products should be counted as equal to their counterparts who use traditionally bleached white paper.

"This shit is racist!" yelled a male student in a Keroppi costume. "We should be able to turn in our work on pink slips of paper any time we want."

 

The incident stems from a class assignment gone awry. Kristen Moore, a senior, turned in her assignment for a Neurotoxicology class on licensed Sanrio paper. Upon picking up the assignment later the following next week, she got a huge surprise.

Kristen during happier times

 Virginia Davis, Kristen’s apartment-mate helped fill in the gaps. “The report came back with a fat, red ‘See Me’ on it. Kristen and I were both shocked. She had turned in papers on this paper before and got glowing remarks like ‘D+, but adorable paper.’ We just didn’t get it!”

 "That was the last straw," recalls Virginia. "She just totally snapped and questioned how a university could allow its students to be pushed around for loving things that F.O.B.s and weird 43-year-old men with ponytails love."

The Walrus Moose tried to get a comment from the Hello Kitty leader Kristen Moore, but her profuse gibberish indicated that she would only communicate in the language of Hello Kitty - meowing.

The straw that broke the camel's back

An excerpt of what we could publish is below with the help of an interpreter claiming to be her boyfriend.

--

Walrus Moose: Why has it come down to this?

Kristen: Meow Meow-ed Meowing Meow!

Walrus Moose: I'm sorry, what?

Interpreter: мы боремся за мать Россию (*Google translate)

Walrus Moose: What??!

--

With a leader who meows, and an interpreter wanting to restore the glory days of the Soviet empire, there is no clear end in sight.

When asked her opinion, Virginia said, "this whole thing has been going on too long, any way. I was thinking that Kristen was going to just go home take a 9 hour nap then forget all about it like a normal cat would do."

"Also, she's fucking crazy."

Rihanna Admits Singing is Awful, Still Doesn’t Give A Shit

Pop superstar Rihanna, with hits such as “Rude boy” and “What’s my name”, has admitted that her songs are disasters and off-key. “God, of course I know my singing is terrible. Don’t you think I listen to my music before I let it print? People always come up to me and say ‘Hey, Rihanna, you make me want to let Chris Brown punch me in the face when I hear your songs.’”

Still, the 23-year-old singer couldn’t give more of a fuck. When asked how she comes up with her hooks, she responded, “look, they tell me how to sing and I sing it. Hell, sometimes we just pick up drunken bastards off the street and ask them to demo for us.”

When pressed to explain why she continues to make her music despite its less than mediocre producing, she burst out, “I’m fucking filthy rich and everyone loves me and Shy Ronnie. There’s no need to explain further. Now leave and let me finish my Tigerblood in peace.”

Why Tigerblood? Because of Charlie Sheen? “No,” she replied calmly, then in a cracked voice, “because 'I love the smell of it.’”

We left immediately.

 ...

Related: Ke$ha less rich, but equally not giving a shit about talent.

Asian Man Abruptly Stops to Greet New Asian Neighbors

Louisiana – An Asian-American man abruptly stopped his vehicle on his way home to greet his neighbors.

Henry Lin was driving home after a long day at the office to his newer neighborhood in a Birmingham suburb when he noticed an Asian couple walking around his neighborhood.

Lin Family

“It was a huge relief to know that I’m not the only Asian family on the block!” said Mr. Lin. “I was really worried there for a while. Who would I give mooncakes to? Now, I have another family who knows that taking off shoes is appropriate when entering a home.”

Henry Lin has been living in the Birmingham suburb since moving here two years ago from Boston, after his wife’s position was relocated. She is also Asian.

The other Asian family, James and Nancy Chan, were quite enthusiastic about the greeting, but were a bit surprised by the setting.

“We were walking along the bike path of the neighborhood, when a man honked his horn and was yelling out the window ‘HEY! You there! You’re Asian, too!’”, Mr. Chan said with a smile. “Naturally, I went to shield my wife in case it was a hail of bullets or rotten food, but to our delight and surprise it was a nice Asian man waving.”

The two are hitting it off quite well. They have already scheduled dim sum at the only Chinese restaurant in the area. Yelp gave it 2 ½ stars, but the rating is biased claims Mr. Lin.

“I mean, come one, it’s way too crappy to get 2 ½ stars. The food there is worse than Jack-In-The-Box. It’s more like a ½ star,” said Mr Lin.

Chan Family

Still, the fuel tank on Mr. Lin’s desire to blend in has been raised a quarter of a tank now.

“Now I can finally push the questions like ‘what exactly is General Tso’s chicken’ off to someone else.”

Friday Poll

Walrus Moose Quickies

Los Angeles - Man buys organic pears thinking they were mangoes for his wife. Wife laughs hysterically.

New York - Search party under way for Vanilla Ice for questioning about last being seen with Shredder.

Miami - Dwayne Wade tells LeBron James to talk to Chuck about his 401k. James quoted as saying, "Who the fuck cares about Charles Barkley's investment planning?"

New York - Charles Schwab stocks plummet after LeBron James' comments.

Foot Clan Still Sad After 20 Years

The Foot Clan have decided to seek out the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in order to know what has become of Master Shredder.

"We're really concerned for Master Shredder," one soilder, who did not want to be named due the nature of the issue. "He's been gone many days, in fact years!"

"We don't know what to do without him," said another soilder, who did not want to be named due to the nature of the issue.

"Yeah, it's like an empty void in our souls without him here. I miss the stolen merchandise and Burger King," said Kenny, who did want to be named irregardless of the nature of the issue.

"All we want is a civil meeting between us and the turtles," Kenny continued. "We want to know if he's ok, if he needs anything and if he wants to send word to anyone."

The Shredder was last seen in 1991 presumably dying after having a pier in New York collapse upon him.

If you have any leads on where the Shredder or the Turtles might be, please contact your local Foot Clan chapter.

Aluminum Foil No Longer Good Enough For Rich People

Washington - Rich people of the United States have collectively 

decided to use only Reynold's Gold Foil for their households.

The trouble started on November 10, 2010 as Elizabeth McMurray of Los 

Gatos, CA was dictating to her house worker the grocery list.

"I was standing there drinking a Perrier and telling Maria to buy some 

aluminum foil for the upcoming Thanksgiving Day feast. 

Then it dawned upon me: we're too fucking good for this shit!"

"Why should we, people who have loads of money, have to use aluminum 

foil when we should be using gold foil for our household cooking?"

Elizabeth McMurray

After enjoying some snow in the French Alps during Christmas, she launched a campaign to make Reynolds produce gold foil for the uppper crust consumers. Over 175,000 of the United State's richest signed the petition within 30 minutes.

Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts said, "I didn't even have to think twice about giving this the go-ahead! My wife usually packs my lunch, but now I feel like that kid from Willy Wonka every day minus all the drug references."

The packaging giant Reynolds initially was caught off-guard by the idea, but later admitted that it was a "genius idea".

"Holy shit! Why didn't our R&D Department think of this first? I mean, they want it, we produced it, and charge tons for it!" said Mark Devoe, Senior Vice President of Household Products.

Yes indeed, Mr. Devoe, it's win-win-win for all those involved.

*The Associated Press contributed to this story by allowing us to use the name Assoicated Press.

The Walrus Moose

Welcome to The Walrus Moose news network!

Mr. Moose -Editor